Some people will be easier than others to approach due to the relationship you have with them, how close you live to them, or other factors. In some situations, attempting to make amends may cause more harm than good. And in some cases, you may not be able to make direct amends at all. However, you can still take action in all of these situations to satisfy the spirit and the intent of Step 9 and progress in your step work. Often, people with substance use disorders cause harm to others, either intentionally or inadvertently. Step 9 of AA’s 12-step program directs people in recovery to take accountability for actions that may have harmed others and to make amends when possible.
Don’t Hold Back—It’s Too Easy to Get Out of This Step
The more personalized your lifestyle changes are, the more they’re going to resonate and stick with you. Sometimes, making direct amends with someone may lead to further harm. For example, if you are estranged from a loved one and they will not see you, your indirect amends may involve reflecting on and modifying the behaviors that led to the estrangement. How you start these conversations depends on your relationship with the person you harmed and the circumstances in which you plan to make direct amends. When making direct amends, it is usually best to do so after a sustained period of sobriety and while in a calm state of mind.
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- There may be a safer, alternate activity to perform in lieu of a traditional conversation.
- Living amends represent the long-term actions you will take to remain committed to recovery.
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These people only have a snapshot of what we used to be like. They don’t see the day to day changes that we have made in our lives and they assume that we are the same as when we made our last major mistake. We know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I also realized that in my childhood, that I had blamed my Dad for things my Mom actually caused by trying to get him to stop drinking.
Understanding AA Step 9
We’ve come a long way from the early 2000s, when bawdy women of “Sex and the City” swilled rose-colored cosmopolitans as a symbol of female emancipation — at last, the girls could party just as hard as the boys. On a recent night, the crowd skewed young and female, and the general vibe living amends recalled an office holiday party, minus any leers from sloppy Sam in accounting. A half-decade later, that challenge has become a second career. Ms. Bandrovschi runs Listen Bar, an alcohol-free bar open one night a month downstairs at Von, a bar on Bleecker Street in Manhattan.
- Understanding some making amends examples can help the individual correct past behaviors.
- Sometimes it can be hard to know what to say when preparing to make amends.
- If you’re writing a letter, whether sending or sharing it in person, spend some time reflecting on and sharing the actions you’re taking to redress the wrong(s) done.
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- My experience has been that the cards create curiosity and that sometimes causes these people to talk to each other and they find out that you are trying hard to mend your ways and it tends to disarm them.
- Not everyone is going to just let you into their lives again.
- It’s possible to be too early in the healing journey to start making amends.
- The program and this step made me see that it was their own doing; they made the choice.
- Some people’s greatest wish may be that you remain sober and continue recovering.
Say, for example, you’re preparing to make amends to a former coworker, whom you once stole from to pay for drugs. In addition to apologizing and asking for their forgiveness regarding the incident in question, you might offer to repay them in full for the money you stole. However, there are situations where it might not be appropriate.
The more I practiced this step the more I found out how much healing comes from it and not just for me. Living amends look different for everyone, depending on the specific negative behavior patterns you have identified while working the 12 Steps. Determining the most impactful living amends will require a great deal of honesty. A qualified behavioral therapist can help you identify the areas of your life that need attention. Living amends refers to the ways in which you change how you live your life in recovery or “walking our talk.” These changes affirm your commitment to the direct or symbolic amends you made with others. Living amends represent the long-term actions you will take to remain committed to recovery.
- For example, if you are estranged from a loved one and they will not see you, your indirect amends may involve reflecting on and modifying the behaviors that led to the estrangement.
- So that even when someone has overcome their addiction, they stay within the fellowship and help others overcome their addiction, and this also keeps them from relapsing.
- Below, experts at Hazelden Betty Ford’s Connection™ recovery coaching program answer frequently asked questions about this reconciliation process and why it’s so vital to addiction recovery and spiritual health.
- Therefore, it isn’t unusual to take multiple runs at a 12-Step program or work to practice the principles lifelong.